Warning: This is a very long and personal post about my life and my decision to, slightly, change the direction of my blog. Feel free to skip over it if you just don't care! Any rude or mean comments will be blocked.
It's been a couple months since I've posted on here, and a little while since I've posted anything regularly. I know I've mentioned it in a few of my posts after a short break from blogging that I had some personal stuff to deal with. But the truth is, it never really went away, and I still deal with it every day. I know not everyone cares to hear about this stuff, so if you're not interested please kindly exit out of this post! But I know a lot of people out there deal with the same things I do, and if I can reach out to even one person and let them know they're not alone that would be amazing!
Ever since I was little I always knew I was different. I never quite fit in with the other kids and I was far to shy to really make friends. I was always the outcast, the weird kid who never spoke and sat alone at lunch. This made me a prime target for the other kids to pick on and make fun of me. And lets face it..kids can be harsh.
I suffered from such severe anxiety about just going to school in the morning I would have cry, have panic attacks and upset myself so much I would get sick. It had become clear to my parents that there was something deeper than just not wanting to go to school. So, I started seeing a psychiatrist. I slightly remember the first person I went to see. It was a woman, and all I can really remember was playing some sort of games to try and get me to open up and talk. I guess it wasn't very effective because I started seeing another psychiatrist. This time it was an older man with a funny accent. He diagnosed me with selective mutism and social anxiety. I was put on medication called Paxil.
I have always bee a dog lover. Even when I was really little and terrified of dogs, I still had an obsession with them. I couldn't even count the number of stuffed puppies and random dog knickknacks I had. From Scooby-Doo to 101 Dalmatians and every pup in between. And I can remember wanting this silly toy called Wettin' Whizzer, from 101 Dalmatians, so badly that my parents basically bribed me with it. They got it for me, but I couldn't have it! They kept it up on a shelf in our living room, taunting me, until I spoke in school.
Little did we know, Paxil had some side effects.. Including depression, suicidal thoughts and other things a child should never have to deal with. I can remember one time I was so upset about something, probably completely insignificant, that I wrote a note to my parents about hating my life and wanting to die..and taking a hair brush and scratching myself over and over again until it hurt so bad I couldn't take it. Needless to say, I no longer took Paxil.
By this time, I was starting to open up just enough that I could answer questions if called on in class, and I stopped crying on picture day. (I have a few very embarrassing photos of myself balling my eyes out in school photos, simply because the anxiety was overwhelming) So I guess my parents didn't think I needed help anymore. But I don't think they knew that I never really got over my "problems." But I never really told anyone about them.
In middle school I had a small group of close friends. But I was still looked at as that weirdo who was different. And outside of my little group of friends I talked to literally no one. This, once again, made me a target for other kids. This one complete jerk I went to school with spread a rumor that I was a lesbian. Another kid would constantly taunt me in the halls. Every time I saw him. It got to the point where I would be almost in tears by the time I reached the safety of my class room. The "popular" girls in my grade would tease me..for god knows what reason, I never spoke a word to any of them in my life.
Small dramas in my group of friends finally lead me back to the solitude that is my life, and by high school I really only had 1 or 2 friends. I spoke to no one in my classes, and thankfully in lunch I sat with my sister and her friends one year..but alone the next..then by 12th grade I had made friends with another small group. (although I still always felt like I didn't belong.) The teasing didn't stop in high school. The immaturity of my classmates is still surprising to me. This one guy came up to me one day when I was sitting alone and told me his friend wanted to go out with me..then he went back to his table and all the "popular kids" laughed at me. I'm sorry, but isn't that like 3rd grade bs?! But I still got to my next class and broke down into tears. I will never understand why people feel the need to pick on others..
So..fast forward to my life now. I'm not quite sure what happened, but my anxiety has kicked into overdrive. Just the other day, out of nowhere..I got out of the shower and just started feeling really panicky and weird. Nothing had happened to spark it, I just felt an overwhelming rush of panic and anxiety. It has been really hard for me to focus or put a lot of effort into anything.. I started feeling like blogging was becoming something I dreaded having to do and it was becoming a chore. I never wanted it to be that, and I realized I needed a break to clear my head and work on fixing myself. I started this blog because I love makeup and hair and all things beauty. I love sharing my thoughts and opinions on those things. And I love the community that I had become a part of. I didn't want my personal issues to change any part of that, so I felt it was important to take a step back and better myself as a person. And I think that break was much needed.
During my little break I realized something..I started keeping a journal of all the things going on in my head and in my life. Writing everything down really helped make some things clear. And it was then that I decided I wanted this to be not only a beauty blog, but a life blog. I know some of you won't want that..and I respect your opinions. But this is a choice I thought a lot about and decided it was something I really wanted to follow through with. So from now on, I will be sharing life stories and more personal stuff with you, as well as my normal beauty posts. Don't worry, it will probably be 80% beauty 15% talking about my dogs and 2% talking about my life..which consists of 99% my dogs. :D This is Life According to Lara.
Thank you to those who have been there for me and stuck around through my randomness with posting..and to those who understand. Anxiety controls most of my life, and I am fighting like hell to regain control. Having people who understand and accept who I am and what I am going through makes that fight much easier.
Have a beautiful day.
Believe. Dream. Explore. & Be nice to people.